So, today definitely had its ups and downs.
I woke up this morning with minimal pain. I had to move slowly, so I got up early, but woke before my alarm. I got dressed, ate a little and then took my meds.
I got ready to drive to work and gathered some homework, just in case the rain decided to come in early. It didn't.
Today was resource day at Mercy, so students from the school came out and I got to talk about the library and NSNA (national student nurse's association), and got a lot of people interested in both. I also got to sit outside for a few hours. The heat helped my kidneys a lot.
I even got free Tony Packo's.
THEN the pain started in.
It was around 1:30 when it started to really hit, and I was still on the clock. I helped a person or two and then clocked out. I went to see my advisor to sign my graduation request papers, and then I went to see the teacher for the class that I missed yesterday.
Pain kept getting worse. And I forgot my meds at home.
So I called my doctor again.
They want me to pull the stent on Monday, but didn't even give me enough pain meds to last that long. So I was calling for a new prescription. It took me 2h to actually get through to someone. So, instead of percocet, they gave me vicodin.
Vicodin is slightly weaker for me, but I'm going to see how I operate on it on Saturday and Sunday, so I can save my percocets when I have to pull the stent.
But you would have thought that when I called almost sobbing because the pain was so bad, that the nurse would have felt sympathy. I think she thinks that I'm a drug seeker. But I'm not!
I'm still urinating a ton of blood, which is kind of to be expected. I'd be more concerned if I urinated a ton on Saturday, or even Sunday. Just pray for me.
I can feel the stent. I can feel where it starts in my kidney, and I can feel where it ends in the urethra. I'm ready for it to be OUT.
And I'm ready for this semester to get really started!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Day 0 and Day 1 of Surgery and Post-op.
Day 0: Surgery Day.
So, for those of you less fortunate that don't get to talk to me on a regular basis, I have bilateral kidney stones. It basically means my kidneys hate me and that I'm in for a world of pain. The reason why I know this, is because I had to be taken to the ER (I think I did a post about it) and they found a 5 mm obstructive (means it won't pass on its own) stone in my right kidney. OW.
So, after about 3 weeks of nothing but intermittent pain because the specialty clinic I had to go to wouldn't get me in until then, I finally was able to schedule my surgery.
Surgery, you ask? Yes. It's called a cystoscopy. Very clever word for "shove a huge camera up the tiny urethra (where your pee comes from) and look for the stone and try to catch it!" They did a cystoscopy, a lithotripsy (which is a clever word for playing metroid in my kidney--literally. They used a laser to blast the stone into a million pieces), and then a stent placement (which is like a reaaalllyyy long tube that goes up through the urethra, through the bladder, and to the kidney to have an artifical passageway always open so the stone fragments can be led out of my kidney). Most. Uncomfortable. Thing. Ever.
So, I was supposed to arrive at 1:30 yesterday (August 20, 2013), for pre-surgery testing and whatnot. It was a waste of time. I went in, signed in, was pulled back to the pre-surgery area, told to strip of everything (even my bra and underwear--shudder!) and had an I.V. placed. My nurse's name was Martha, and she was awesome. Only one poke and she had the I.V. in my hand. It lasted through surgery and everything! Go Martha!
Anyway, I ended up being placed in another unit because the one I was on was closing (no one to work it) and the sugery I was supposed to have at 3:30 didn't happen until 5:30. That's right. 4 hours of just sitting in a bed, fully nekkid under this cloth gown, and starving. Starving, because I was unallowed to eat after midnight monday going into Tuesday.
So, the anesthesiologist came to speak with me and had me open my mouth to say ah, because he wanted to see my airway. A flash of panic floated through my body. Were they planning to intubate me? Why? So I asked him just that. He seemed genuinely confused and surprised. Apparently, not many patients had the guts to ask the guy who was going to be responsible for knocking your ass out about why I needed to be intubated. He explained it simply. Basically, I was going to be asleep during the surgery. I wouldn't feel anything. However, if the doctor accidentally hit something that caused me to cough, it could damage my kidneys, and cause more issues. So, to prevent that, the anesthesiologist was going to paralyze me, intubate me, and breathe for me. I wouldn't be able to move, and I wouldn't be awake. Therefore, it reduced the risk for injury on my part.
Kinda scary, but yeah.
So, I finally was pulled back into the surgery suite, where my doctor, the resident, and the rest of the surgery team were waiting for me. The room was small, crowded, and I was claustrophobic. I was moved to a hard surgery table, the bed was wheeled out, and instantly people started moving. I was getting EPC cuffs on my legs to help circulation, I was getting a blood pressure cuff on my arm to watch my vitals, I had someone playing with my I.V. and replacing my pulse oximeter, I had like four people talking to me, and then I had the anesthesiologist messing with the mask and trying to knock me out.
After about five minutes it worked and I was asleep. The next thing I know it's like 6-6:10, I'm waking up, talking with a very sore throat to my nurse, unable to open my eyes, and wanting water. I feel a straw against my lips and I can't get my brain to want to let me drink yet, so she has to remind me to put my lips around the straw and suck. I do. The cool water is amazing to feel on my throat, but after a few moments, I cough and choke. My gag reflex isn't fully back yet.
So I start talking to her, pulling at the nasal cannula in my nose. It burns and everything is dry. Even my mouth. She shoves crackers at me, telling me to eat so she can get me pain medication, because my GOD, it hurts. Mostly my urethra and right side, but everything seems sore. I wondered if they dropped me for a moment. So, I try to eat a cracker, almost aspirate on the damn thing, and I'm trying to hold my glass of water while I'm coughing and everything else, and my nurse just stays by my side. I finally get like three saltines down and a whole glass and a half of water when the nurse starts to push flagyl in my I.V. It was like bliss. The pain went away in my throat, and even a little where the stent was. She was explaining that the procedure went good, I had no complications, and they were able to blast the stone.
I tell her I have to pee, but she doesn't believe me. I keep telling her until about 30 minutes pass and she finally lets me get up. She grabs my clothes and wheels me in a wheelchair to the bathroom to get dressed. I pee, and it's like I'm peeing sand, and it hurts. So I realize that the doctor placed a thread on the stent, and that if I catch myself just right on it trying to wipe, that i could dislodge the damn thing early. Great.
New learing experience. Find the string, put it to the side, kind of blot around down there to make sure I'm dry, and then let the string hang like it should, pull up underwear, put on pants, try to clasp bra, put on shirt, straighten hair, pull call light, sway a little because the room seems to want to move...and then get put back into the wheelchair. I thank Martha, because your nurses really do need praise, and then I'm wheeled downstairs to find my aunt, uncle, grandmother, mother, jamie, and jennifer all waiting for me. I stand up slowly, the nurse right behind me (because it's been less than an hour since I've been out of surgery and awake), and I hug everyone, make sure they know I'm okay, and then I go home.
I'm no longer hungry. I'm tired, and sore, and a little pissy. I just want to rest.
I go home, make a few phone calls with a raspy voice, and then rest for a while. By 9p, I have my meds. I take them. But I notice that I was only given 15 percocet. I worry a little, because if you take one percocet every six hours for pain for seven days, that should be 28 percocet. More about that later. I take the one I'm supposed to and end up being awake on the sixth hour dot to take my next one. I'm in pain.
Day 1: Post-Op
I tried to get up to go to class today. I really did. But I couldn't. I was in pain, my kidney hurt worse, everything hurt worse! I won't even get into everything that I feel/felt. I had to call the clinic this morning, which basically told me that I can't get another prescription until Monday earliest, which is a load of BULL. So, if I have to pull my stent without pain meds, I'm screwed, you know?
Then, I can only shower, but we have no shower curtain. Water goes everywhere.
When I pee, it hurts like hell. My body hates me.
I have to work tomorrow. I'm okay with that. But I'm scared that the pain is going to be unbearable.
I really just want to cry, which I've done a few times today because the pain has become so unmanageable that nothing helps.
I feel bad that I've ignored texts and everything, but texts seem kind of irrelevant sometimes when you're trying to hold still and find a good place that you don't have AS MUCH pain.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. I have to get some schoolwork done, and I should be able to drive. SHOULD. No guarantees. *sighs*
I'm going to eat dinner and then I'm going to rest again. Probably do some homework that I haven't touched in 2 days.
So, for those of you less fortunate that don't get to talk to me on a regular basis, I have bilateral kidney stones. It basically means my kidneys hate me and that I'm in for a world of pain. The reason why I know this, is because I had to be taken to the ER (I think I did a post about it) and they found a 5 mm obstructive (means it won't pass on its own) stone in my right kidney. OW.
So, after about 3 weeks of nothing but intermittent pain because the specialty clinic I had to go to wouldn't get me in until then, I finally was able to schedule my surgery.
Surgery, you ask? Yes. It's called a cystoscopy. Very clever word for "shove a huge camera up the tiny urethra (where your pee comes from) and look for the stone and try to catch it!" They did a cystoscopy, a lithotripsy (which is a clever word for playing metroid in my kidney--literally. They used a laser to blast the stone into a million pieces), and then a stent placement (which is like a reaaalllyyy long tube that goes up through the urethra, through the bladder, and to the kidney to have an artifical passageway always open so the stone fragments can be led out of my kidney). Most. Uncomfortable. Thing. Ever.
So, I was supposed to arrive at 1:30 yesterday (August 20, 2013), for pre-surgery testing and whatnot. It was a waste of time. I went in, signed in, was pulled back to the pre-surgery area, told to strip of everything (even my bra and underwear--shudder!) and had an I.V. placed. My nurse's name was Martha, and she was awesome. Only one poke and she had the I.V. in my hand. It lasted through surgery and everything! Go Martha!
Anyway, I ended up being placed in another unit because the one I was on was closing (no one to work it) and the sugery I was supposed to have at 3:30 didn't happen until 5:30. That's right. 4 hours of just sitting in a bed, fully nekkid under this cloth gown, and starving. Starving, because I was unallowed to eat after midnight monday going into Tuesday.
So, the anesthesiologist came to speak with me and had me open my mouth to say ah, because he wanted to see my airway. A flash of panic floated through my body. Were they planning to intubate me? Why? So I asked him just that. He seemed genuinely confused and surprised. Apparently, not many patients had the guts to ask the guy who was going to be responsible for knocking your ass out about why I needed to be intubated. He explained it simply. Basically, I was going to be asleep during the surgery. I wouldn't feel anything. However, if the doctor accidentally hit something that caused me to cough, it could damage my kidneys, and cause more issues. So, to prevent that, the anesthesiologist was going to paralyze me, intubate me, and breathe for me. I wouldn't be able to move, and I wouldn't be awake. Therefore, it reduced the risk for injury on my part.
Kinda scary, but yeah.
So, I finally was pulled back into the surgery suite, where my doctor, the resident, and the rest of the surgery team were waiting for me. The room was small, crowded, and I was claustrophobic. I was moved to a hard surgery table, the bed was wheeled out, and instantly people started moving. I was getting EPC cuffs on my legs to help circulation, I was getting a blood pressure cuff on my arm to watch my vitals, I had someone playing with my I.V. and replacing my pulse oximeter, I had like four people talking to me, and then I had the anesthesiologist messing with the mask and trying to knock me out.
After about five minutes it worked and I was asleep. The next thing I know it's like 6-6:10, I'm waking up, talking with a very sore throat to my nurse, unable to open my eyes, and wanting water. I feel a straw against my lips and I can't get my brain to want to let me drink yet, so she has to remind me to put my lips around the straw and suck. I do. The cool water is amazing to feel on my throat, but after a few moments, I cough and choke. My gag reflex isn't fully back yet.
So I start talking to her, pulling at the nasal cannula in my nose. It burns and everything is dry. Even my mouth. She shoves crackers at me, telling me to eat so she can get me pain medication, because my GOD, it hurts. Mostly my urethra and right side, but everything seems sore. I wondered if they dropped me for a moment. So, I try to eat a cracker, almost aspirate on the damn thing, and I'm trying to hold my glass of water while I'm coughing and everything else, and my nurse just stays by my side. I finally get like three saltines down and a whole glass and a half of water when the nurse starts to push flagyl in my I.V. It was like bliss. The pain went away in my throat, and even a little where the stent was. She was explaining that the procedure went good, I had no complications, and they were able to blast the stone.
I tell her I have to pee, but she doesn't believe me. I keep telling her until about 30 minutes pass and she finally lets me get up. She grabs my clothes and wheels me in a wheelchair to the bathroom to get dressed. I pee, and it's like I'm peeing sand, and it hurts. So I realize that the doctor placed a thread on the stent, and that if I catch myself just right on it trying to wipe, that i could dislodge the damn thing early. Great.
 |
| This is a stent by the way. The one on the top is the one I have. |
New learing experience. Find the string, put it to the side, kind of blot around down there to make sure I'm dry, and then let the string hang like it should, pull up underwear, put on pants, try to clasp bra, put on shirt, straighten hair, pull call light, sway a little because the room seems to want to move...and then get put back into the wheelchair. I thank Martha, because your nurses really do need praise, and then I'm wheeled downstairs to find my aunt, uncle, grandmother, mother, jamie, and jennifer all waiting for me. I stand up slowly, the nurse right behind me (because it's been less than an hour since I've been out of surgery and awake), and I hug everyone, make sure they know I'm okay, and then I go home.
I'm no longer hungry. I'm tired, and sore, and a little pissy. I just want to rest.
I go home, make a few phone calls with a raspy voice, and then rest for a while. By 9p, I have my meds. I take them. But I notice that I was only given 15 percocet. I worry a little, because if you take one percocet every six hours for pain for seven days, that should be 28 percocet. More about that later. I take the one I'm supposed to and end up being awake on the sixth hour dot to take my next one. I'm in pain.
Day 1: Post-Op
I tried to get up to go to class today. I really did. But I couldn't. I was in pain, my kidney hurt worse, everything hurt worse! I won't even get into everything that I feel/felt. I had to call the clinic this morning, which basically told me that I can't get another prescription until Monday earliest, which is a load of BULL. So, if I have to pull my stent without pain meds, I'm screwed, you know?
Then, I can only shower, but we have no shower curtain. Water goes everywhere.
When I pee, it hurts like hell. My body hates me.
I have to work tomorrow. I'm okay with that. But I'm scared that the pain is going to be unbearable.
I really just want to cry, which I've done a few times today because the pain has become so unmanageable that nothing helps.
I feel bad that I've ignored texts and everything, but texts seem kind of irrelevant sometimes when you're trying to hold still and find a good place that you don't have AS MUCH pain.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. I have to get some schoolwork done, and I should be able to drive. SHOULD. No guarantees. *sighs*
I'm going to eat dinner and then I'm going to rest again. Probably do some homework that I haven't touched in 2 days.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
A Rant.
So first I'll give an update.
Last Monday I was diagnosed with a 5mm kidney stone in my right kidney. I spent 7h in the ER waiting for that diagnosis. The cause of the pain was what the doctor called "occlusion". Okay fine. He gave me 2 days' worth of vicodin and 5 days worth of this stuff called FLOmax, which they use to help with urine output (so I wouldn't retain and so I would (and didn't) pass the kidney stone).
So, day 7 of kidney stone.
Plus, the Thursday before that, I was diagnosed with asthma. Apparently I don't need a long-term inhaler, only an emergency one. Fine. So I have that.
Now, to this morning.
Add in my allergies this morning, plus utter exhaustion because my body thinks it needs to use all of its energy worrying about this damn stone, and you have one exhausted, pain-filled, and very short-tempered Jess.
But what does Jess do? She takes a deep breath, remembers that she loves her family, takes a few puffs of the newly prescribed inhaler, and gets up and deals with her mother (and her complaining) before going to work.
I get to work, clock in, and the hell starts. I'm in pain, have to deal with a boss that just returned from being gone a week, and having to deal with a pile of things that she thought of as the day went by for me to do. I finish all of them, take a 30 minute break (nap) instead of lunch, and then get back to work.
I get off of work, go home, and get to listen to my mother gasp, ooh, and ah as she watches the Bachelorette past 2 episodes.
Then, she has to go and get Jamie from her friend's house. So, I decide I'm going to catch up on a tv episode I've DVR'd (So I can delete it for more space), and I only have 20 minutes left when they get back. Jamie walks in, complains that I'm in her spot, and then sits her blankets, pillows, and anything else she can find on the tray table right in front of me, blocking my view from the television.
So, I ask her politely not once, but TWICE to please move her stuff just so I can finish watching the television episode. She doesn't. So, I knock it off of the tray table and press play (thank God for pause). So, she gets up, picks it up, and puts it right back. Calls me names, and then stomps off to tell mom (because you know, we're not adults or anything), and runs her mouth. Mom yells for me to stop, I yell that I'm not doing anything wrong, and Jamie stomps off to the bathroom to wipe away her crocodile tears.
She comes back into the room and starts in on her shit. When I start to counteract her and contradict what she's saying with reality (because, you know, a chair really doesn't belong to anyone. Hell, it's older than her, and she was gone) and what my goal had been, that she'd been the one to blow shit out of proportion, she starts yelling, which triggers the mom monster (who was laying down in bed), and I get yelled at again.
So, by this point, I'm pissed off, in pain, trying to watch the last 20 minutes of a television show, have kittens climbing all over me, and my two sisters also yelling with my mom. I'm beyond done.
My mom threatens to "put [her] foot down [my] throat," and I tell her that she should try, because I would really love for that to happen. She comes out, gets in my face, and so help me God if I didn't have kittens on me, I'm sure I would have been in jail by now. I wanted to slap the shit out of her. Like...seriously.
It wasn't even her conversation.
So, I just looked at her and reminded her politely that both of her daughters are adults and should be able to have their own arguments and get through them by themselves, without parental involvement, well, of course that doesn't work. Mom stomps off to lay down, tells me to shut up. I look at Jamie, tell her that she can't ask me for anything, and if she says a word to me, to expect no reply, and I finish my television episode. I pay for the damn television, internet, and phone, and can't even watch a show in peace.
Not to mention that I've paid for the insurance on her NON RUNNING vehicle since May.
That's $400 I didn't have.
And does she care? Nope.
Well guess what? She's going to be getting a rude awakening. I'm going to be telling her she owes it to me AS SOON as she gets her refund. Then I'm going to buy myself something nice. (A.K.A. I'm saving for testing next semester.)
And I'm hoping to be moved out by August 1, 2014. In my own place. With my own money.
Away from this hellhole.
My head is killing me, I'm so pissed off that I feel on the dangerous end of dark, and I really just want to curl up in a ball and literally die. Like, yeah.
Because, according to them, I have no respect. According to them, I'm a bad sister and daughter. But do they see what I do for them on a daily basis? Do they realize how much worry I have for them? No. Will they? No.
It's infuriating.
Last Monday I was diagnosed with a 5mm kidney stone in my right kidney. I spent 7h in the ER waiting for that diagnosis. The cause of the pain was what the doctor called "occlusion". Okay fine. He gave me 2 days' worth of vicodin and 5 days worth of this stuff called FLOmax, which they use to help with urine output (so I wouldn't retain and so I would (and didn't) pass the kidney stone).
So, day 7 of kidney stone.
Plus, the Thursday before that, I was diagnosed with asthma. Apparently I don't need a long-term inhaler, only an emergency one. Fine. So I have that.
Now, to this morning.
Add in my allergies this morning, plus utter exhaustion because my body thinks it needs to use all of its energy worrying about this damn stone, and you have one exhausted, pain-filled, and very short-tempered Jess.
But what does Jess do? She takes a deep breath, remembers that she loves her family, takes a few puffs of the newly prescribed inhaler, and gets up and deals with her mother (and her complaining) before going to work.
I get to work, clock in, and the hell starts. I'm in pain, have to deal with a boss that just returned from being gone a week, and having to deal with a pile of things that she thought of as the day went by for me to do. I finish all of them, take a 30 minute break (nap) instead of lunch, and then get back to work.
I get off of work, go home, and get to listen to my mother gasp, ooh, and ah as she watches the Bachelorette past 2 episodes.
Then, she has to go and get Jamie from her friend's house. So, I decide I'm going to catch up on a tv episode I've DVR'd (So I can delete it for more space), and I only have 20 minutes left when they get back. Jamie walks in, complains that I'm in her spot, and then sits her blankets, pillows, and anything else she can find on the tray table right in front of me, blocking my view from the television.
So, I ask her politely not once, but TWICE to please move her stuff just so I can finish watching the television episode. She doesn't. So, I knock it off of the tray table and press play (thank God for pause). So, she gets up, picks it up, and puts it right back. Calls me names, and then stomps off to tell mom (because you know, we're not adults or anything), and runs her mouth. Mom yells for me to stop, I yell that I'm not doing anything wrong, and Jamie stomps off to the bathroom to wipe away her crocodile tears.
She comes back into the room and starts in on her shit. When I start to counteract her and contradict what she's saying with reality (because, you know, a chair really doesn't belong to anyone. Hell, it's older than her, and she was gone) and what my goal had been, that she'd been the one to blow shit out of proportion, she starts yelling, which triggers the mom monster (who was laying down in bed), and I get yelled at again.
So, by this point, I'm pissed off, in pain, trying to watch the last 20 minutes of a television show, have kittens climbing all over me, and my two sisters also yelling with my mom. I'm beyond done.
My mom threatens to "put [her] foot down [my] throat," and I tell her that she should try, because I would really love for that to happen. She comes out, gets in my face, and so help me God if I didn't have kittens on me, I'm sure I would have been in jail by now. I wanted to slap the shit out of her. Like...seriously.
It wasn't even her conversation.
So, I just looked at her and reminded her politely that both of her daughters are adults and should be able to have their own arguments and get through them by themselves, without parental involvement, well, of course that doesn't work. Mom stomps off to lay down, tells me to shut up. I look at Jamie, tell her that she can't ask me for anything, and if she says a word to me, to expect no reply, and I finish my television episode. I pay for the damn television, internet, and phone, and can't even watch a show in peace.
Not to mention that I've paid for the insurance on her NON RUNNING vehicle since May.
That's $400 I didn't have.
And does she care? Nope.
Well guess what? She's going to be getting a rude awakening. I'm going to be telling her she owes it to me AS SOON as she gets her refund. Then I'm going to buy myself something nice. (A.K.A. I'm saving for testing next semester.)
And I'm hoping to be moved out by August 1, 2014. In my own place. With my own money.
Away from this hellhole.
My head is killing me, I'm so pissed off that I feel on the dangerous end of dark, and I really just want to curl up in a ball and literally die. Like, yeah.
Because, according to them, I have no respect. According to them, I'm a bad sister and daughter. But do they see what I do for them on a daily basis? Do they realize how much worry I have for them? No. Will they? No.
It's infuriating.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
How I met him...
Well, since many didn't know about the first "date" that I had with my boyfriend (and because I feel totally touched that he did a post about a week ago on it) and how it went, I'm going to try to give my side of the story. :)
So, I met him when Rachael and I went to go and see The Hobbit. A mutual friend was invited and he brought my (not-then) boyfriend along with him. I didn't know who he was, where he was from, or anything about him. We all met up at iHop to eat (because, you know, gotta have breakfast before watching The Hobbit) and that's when I first met him.
It was awkward.
I sat next to him but kept my distance. We talked, but it was all polite and very superficial. I hadn't seen our mutual friend in quite some time, and it was just...odd. Well, after getting into conversation with them, things got a little more relaxed. Rachael has that way of making me comfortable, and then once I'm relaxed, we tend to be quite entertainment.
After the meal, we made it to the theater, met up with other friends, and all watched the movie. After that, we walked around the mall. I had no idea what he was up to, or what he was thinking. The mutual friend and Rachael were talking about their partners, and Rachael suggested that I date him. I laughed and shook my head, muttering the noncommittal, "I'm not ready for a relationship." I gave the usual reasons of nursing school, my mother, and relationships being more work than I can handle with school.
I felt bad, actually, felt like a bitch, because I just totally stepped on and squished (what I thought) any chances that he may have had or thoughts that he had.
Well, then the New Year came around.
It took him a bit, but he finally messaged me on facebook. I was touched, but nervous. Part of me was panicking, thinking he was some sort of stalker that had been biding his time, laying in wait for some sort of unforeseen opportunity. We began to talk and I sort-of relaxed. He didn't ask for my phone number, I didn't ask for his. Not until the day of the movie. But I'm jumping ahead.
One day, it was as if fate had decided to play tricks on me. I was talking to Rachael about stuff going on, and she suggested something about asking him to a movie. Just as she typed it, he messaged me on facebook and asked me to see a movie with him, his treat. I sort-of panicked, I'll admit. I kept asking him if it was intentionally just as friends, or if it was going to be a date date. Because I didn't want a relationship.
He told me yes, that it was just as friends. So I hesitantly accepted. We had a great time at the movies (Warm Bodies), and he even stopped me from buying my own food.
I took him home, thanked him, and went on my way, feeling odd. But, in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that it wasn't a date. Just friends getting to know one another.
Well, I was wrong. And I'm glad that I was.
So, I met him when Rachael and I went to go and see The Hobbit. A mutual friend was invited and he brought my (not-then) boyfriend along with him. I didn't know who he was, where he was from, or anything about him. We all met up at iHop to eat (because, you know, gotta have breakfast before watching The Hobbit) and that's when I first met him.
It was awkward.
I sat next to him but kept my distance. We talked, but it was all polite and very superficial. I hadn't seen our mutual friend in quite some time, and it was just...odd. Well, after getting into conversation with them, things got a little more relaxed. Rachael has that way of making me comfortable, and then once I'm relaxed, we tend to be quite entertainment.
After the meal, we made it to the theater, met up with other friends, and all watched the movie. After that, we walked around the mall. I had no idea what he was up to, or what he was thinking. The mutual friend and Rachael were talking about their partners, and Rachael suggested that I date him. I laughed and shook my head, muttering the noncommittal, "I'm not ready for a relationship." I gave the usual reasons of nursing school, my mother, and relationships being more work than I can handle with school.
I felt bad, actually, felt like a bitch, because I just totally stepped on and squished (what I thought) any chances that he may have had or thoughts that he had.
Well, then the New Year came around.
It took him a bit, but he finally messaged me on facebook. I was touched, but nervous. Part of me was panicking, thinking he was some sort of stalker that had been biding his time, laying in wait for some sort of unforeseen opportunity. We began to talk and I sort-of relaxed. He didn't ask for my phone number, I didn't ask for his. Not until the day of the movie. But I'm jumping ahead.
One day, it was as if fate had decided to play tricks on me. I was talking to Rachael about stuff going on, and she suggested something about asking him to a movie. Just as she typed it, he messaged me on facebook and asked me to see a movie with him, his treat. I sort-of panicked, I'll admit. I kept asking him if it was intentionally just as friends, or if it was going to be a date date. Because I didn't want a relationship.
He told me yes, that it was just as friends. So I hesitantly accepted. We had a great time at the movies (Warm Bodies), and he even stopped me from buying my own food.
I took him home, thanked him, and went on my way, feeling odd. But, in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that it wasn't a date. Just friends getting to know one another.
Well, I was wrong. And I'm glad that I was.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Happy Birthday to my Best Friend and Then it's All Downhill From There....
So. Today was my best friend/sister Rachael's birthday. As a gift, I took her to see Despicable Me 2 and gave her a Hot Stone Massage kit I'd gotten for her back in February. It was great seeing her, as we hadn't seen each other for a while, and I enjoyed sitting next to her and having fun like we usually do.
After we parted ways, I spent the rest of the time with my boyfriend, younger sister, and her friend (Well, we stalked them, to be completely honest. We'd already been through the mall once) as they walked through the mall.
After we finished with the mall, I took my boyfriend home, and then drove home with my sister. We entered the house, it's close to 9 p.m., and no dinner has been cooked, and nothing seems to have been touched. My mom is laying on the couch, and my other sister on her computer (Where she lives, I swear. She barely moves to do anything. Talk about a vegetable?).
I get myself all worked out (bathroom, a drink of water, etc...) and then go into the living room. My mom is asleep. So I talk to my sister who has been home all day, and find out absolutely nothing through her. My mom wakes up and she's in a bitchy mood. I can just tell, you know? So I ask her what's wrong and why she's upset. She looks at me and then looks away. "I'm not upset. Why should I be fucking upset?" The curse instantly stabs my heart and I start getting anxious. What happened now? What is she going to pin on me because I wasn't home?
So, I take a breath, try to calm myself, and say, "Well, if you aren't upset, then why are you acting like you are? If you weren't upset, you wouldn't be cussing." She makes one of those noises that is almost like a "pfft" sound, and then starts bitching. "Well, after you guys left to go to the movies, I got called into work. But because you guys were gone, I couldn't tell them I could go in." One point against me. "THEN, I got denied for unemployment." Bam. Number two.
Now, for those of you who don't know, my mom was wrongfully terminated from her job because her boss wanted to take the word of a person that wasn't trustworthy (and had been proven such multiple times before) over my mother's (who they have never had any problems with), back about a month ago. She applied for unemployment and started her search for a new job the same day she was terminated. She's technically hired into 3 different places, but only one place (that does facility staffing--she goes in when the facility can't find any of their employees to go in and covers for them) actually calls her. They called her once about two weeks ago. Because she worked the 8 hour shift, unemployment says that they can't pay her for the time lost. Which is bullshit. We're financially dead right now. I don't know what we're going to do. I've even tried selling my GPS and other items for money, but no one is buying. Everyone is having it tough.
And my family members?
My grandmother told my mother that she couldn't help her. Which is understandable. And then, to add insult to injury, she says, "Why don't you get a rich boyfriend and use him for his money?"
That took a few weeks for her to stop telling everyone.
So now, it's instantly my fault that she was called into work and couldn't make it. Of course. It couldn't have been my younger sister's fault. No siree. Why would it be? I mean, it's not like she made the plans first or anything (She did).
So, without saying anything, I just look at her. I apologize for being the dirt of the earth and unable to do anything right and then she looks at me and says. "Go make dinner." I just stared at her. "What should I make?"
"I don't care."
I ended up making chicken (which was still frozen and took forever in a 400* oven), and italian potatoes. It didn't get done until about 10:00p.m. here. I ate, fed the kittens, and then decided, "Hey. I'll go to bed. Shower in the morning."
Of course, my mother bitches. "Dishes haven't been done, dogs need let out, trash needs to go out, blah blah blah." Stuff that she could have my other sisters doing. So, I go and take the trash out, and then I let the dogs out. My mom finally asks my sister to do the dishes, and then tells the other to do the blah blah blah's.
I come upstairs, ready to go to sleep, but I'm so anxious and angry, and just about every negative emotion you can think of, so I can't sleep.
I feel so worthless to them. Like I don't do enough or try enough. I'm just ready to break down and give up totally. Lay in bed and just...give up.
After we parted ways, I spent the rest of the time with my boyfriend, younger sister, and her friend (Well, we stalked them, to be completely honest. We'd already been through the mall once) as they walked through the mall.
After we finished with the mall, I took my boyfriend home, and then drove home with my sister. We entered the house, it's close to 9 p.m., and no dinner has been cooked, and nothing seems to have been touched. My mom is laying on the couch, and my other sister on her computer (Where she lives, I swear. She barely moves to do anything. Talk about a vegetable?).
I get myself all worked out (bathroom, a drink of water, etc...) and then go into the living room. My mom is asleep. So I talk to my sister who has been home all day, and find out absolutely nothing through her. My mom wakes up and she's in a bitchy mood. I can just tell, you know? So I ask her what's wrong and why she's upset. She looks at me and then looks away. "I'm not upset. Why should I be fucking upset?" The curse instantly stabs my heart and I start getting anxious. What happened now? What is she going to pin on me because I wasn't home?
So, I take a breath, try to calm myself, and say, "Well, if you aren't upset, then why are you acting like you are? If you weren't upset, you wouldn't be cussing." She makes one of those noises that is almost like a "pfft" sound, and then starts bitching. "Well, after you guys left to go to the movies, I got called into work. But because you guys were gone, I couldn't tell them I could go in." One point against me. "THEN, I got denied for unemployment." Bam. Number two.
Now, for those of you who don't know, my mom was wrongfully terminated from her job because her boss wanted to take the word of a person that wasn't trustworthy (and had been proven such multiple times before) over my mother's (who they have never had any problems with), back about a month ago. She applied for unemployment and started her search for a new job the same day she was terminated. She's technically hired into 3 different places, but only one place (that does facility staffing--she goes in when the facility can't find any of their employees to go in and covers for them) actually calls her. They called her once about two weeks ago. Because she worked the 8 hour shift, unemployment says that they can't pay her for the time lost. Which is bullshit. We're financially dead right now. I don't know what we're going to do. I've even tried selling my GPS and other items for money, but no one is buying. Everyone is having it tough.
And my family members?
My grandmother told my mother that she couldn't help her. Which is understandable. And then, to add insult to injury, she says, "Why don't you get a rich boyfriend and use him for his money?"
That took a few weeks for her to stop telling everyone.
So now, it's instantly my fault that she was called into work and couldn't make it. Of course. It couldn't have been my younger sister's fault. No siree. Why would it be? I mean, it's not like she made the plans first or anything (She did).
So, without saying anything, I just look at her. I apologize for being the dirt of the earth and unable to do anything right and then she looks at me and says. "Go make dinner." I just stared at her. "What should I make?"
"I don't care."
I ended up making chicken (which was still frozen and took forever in a 400* oven), and italian potatoes. It didn't get done until about 10:00p.m. here. I ate, fed the kittens, and then decided, "Hey. I'll go to bed. Shower in the morning."
Of course, my mother bitches. "Dishes haven't been done, dogs need let out, trash needs to go out, blah blah blah." Stuff that she could have my other sisters doing. So, I go and take the trash out, and then I let the dogs out. My mom finally asks my sister to do the dishes, and then tells the other to do the blah blah blah's.
I come upstairs, ready to go to sleep, but I'm so anxious and angry, and just about every negative emotion you can think of, so I can't sleep.
I feel so worthless to them. Like I don't do enough or try enough. I'm just ready to break down and give up totally. Lay in bed and just...give up.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Hmm....Updates...I suppose...o.o
Life has taken an interesting turn.
Work dropped me from 16h/week to 12.5. Sucks, but still manageable. Because of it, I only work 2 days/week, and I get to choose the days and hours.
I am getting all of my senior year books, including 6 NCLEX books, for $100. The girl is willing to just give me the books and let me pay at a later date. I'm stoked.
Speaking of NCLEX, my coworker, Miriam, said as a graduation gift for me, she's going to pay for my NCLEX! I'm so thankful to her for it. That means it's one less thing that I have to worry about.
I'm still with my boyfriend. He's awesome. Today was the first day that his family was gone and we had some much needed *cough* fun. It's been a little over 2 months since we've made it official and ten days from being 7 months since we've known each other.
I can't believe it's already July already. I really need to get to the skills lab to update my skills, like, yesterday. I'm thinking maybe in the next two weeks I will. I'm going to see if they have some math skills I can practice as well, and see if they can get me trained on the new med-administration system, EPIC, so I'll be two steps ahead for the fall.
Anxiety sucks. Everytime I think about school and my senior year, I start to panic. I don't know why, but it's like my heart starts racing and it gets hard to breathe and I suddenly need air and everything else. >.>
We have babies now!! Three weeks old....(see pic below)
They're adorable. Callie is our only female and she has attitude (and fangs. Don't forget the fangs).
Work dropped me from 16h/week to 12.5. Sucks, but still manageable. Because of it, I only work 2 days/week, and I get to choose the days and hours.
I am getting all of my senior year books, including 6 NCLEX books, for $100. The girl is willing to just give me the books and let me pay at a later date. I'm stoked.
Speaking of NCLEX, my coworker, Miriam, said as a graduation gift for me, she's going to pay for my NCLEX! I'm so thankful to her for it. That means it's one less thing that I have to worry about.
I'm still with my boyfriend. He's awesome. Today was the first day that his family was gone and we had some much needed *cough* fun. It's been a little over 2 months since we've made it official and ten days from being 7 months since we've known each other.
I can't believe it's already July already. I really need to get to the skills lab to update my skills, like, yesterday. I'm thinking maybe in the next two weeks I will. I'm going to see if they have some math skills I can practice as well, and see if they can get me trained on the new med-administration system, EPIC, so I'll be two steps ahead for the fall.
Anxiety sucks. Everytime I think about school and my senior year, I start to panic. I don't know why, but it's like my heart starts racing and it gets hard to breathe and I suddenly need air and everything else. >.>
We have babies now!! Three weeks old....(see pic below)
 |
| Kitties!!! Callie is mine. xD |
Um...other than that, things have been pretty much the same. Except for A LOT of rain.
Other than that I've been doing a lot of reading, gaming, and being home. Every Sunday I go to church and then mostly I'm at home. Like now. I'm home. It's hot. I wish I was somewhere else, but I'm not.
So, until next time!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
99 Questions
1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
- Outside-Staind
- Kryptonite-3 Doors Down
- Vermillion-Slipknot
- I hate everything about you-Three Days Grace
- He Wont Go-Adele
- Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon.
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Robin Williams
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
"Do you know the boy who has been brought here?" -Son of a Witch, Wicked Series #2, Maguire
4) What do you think about most?
My current situation, usually about money and school.
5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
"But it's not different at all."
6) Do you sleep with or without on?
I sleep without pants and with a blanket. xD
7) What’s your strangest talent?
I don't know. xD
8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)
Uh....I have no idea. >.>
9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
No.
10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
Uh...This afternoon. xD
11) Do you have any strange phobias?
I'm scared of spiders because I think they're going to eat my toes (Don't judge), and I'm also really scared of those automatic clock-in stamp machine things...
12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
xD. Not that I recall.
13) What’s your religion?
Christian.
14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Enjoying the weather.
15) Do you perfer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind.
16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
I don't have ONE favorite.
17) What was the last lie you told?
"I'm okay. Really." to my boss about something she said.
18) Do you believe in karma?
Yes.
19) What does your URL mean?
Means what it says.
20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
My greatest weakness is that I see the good in everyone, or the potential for good. My strength is that I can get through a lot even when I'm disappointed without causing too much of a ruckus about it.
21) Who is your celebrity crush?
Oohh....Hmm....most recently it's been Ian Somerholder and David Tennant.
22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Yes.
23) How do you vent your anger?
It depends. Journaling helps, or I call up a friend and vent.
24) Do you have a collection of anything?
xD. I have a blanket fetish. I literally have to tell myself no. I mean, I even have a blanket or two in my car.
25) Do you perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Either/or.
26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?
For the most part.
27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
I absolutely HATE the sound of whining. Seriously. Even if it's joking. It makes me want to tear your face off. I love to hear the sound of a person laughing or even the sound that he makes when he's really feeling good. xD
28) What’s your biggest “what if”?
What if I don't get the money to finish my last two semesters of nursing school?
29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Ghosts: Yes. Aliens: Possibly.
30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
Right arm: my glass I almost knocked over full of iced tea. Left: My tote bag.
31) Smell the air. What do you smell?
Dinner.
32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
New York City...Inner City. At a Taxi gas station and rest stop. We had to pee. The bathroom was absolutely ridiculously dirty.
33) Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
East.
34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
Hugh Laurie.
35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
The meaning of life is procreation. We were put on this earth to go forth and multiply, basically. In that, we have found love, happiness, and peace--when we find the right person.
36) Define: Art.
Art is any expression of someone else's inspiration.
37) Do you believe in luck?
Sometimes.
38) What’s the weather like right now?
It's cooling off and looks like rain.
39) What time is it?
This is going to be queued, so it's 1400.
40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
Yes I drive. I've had a minor collision where we exchanged bits of bumper paint.
41) What was the last book you read?
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Depends on my mood.
43) Do you have any nicknames?
Jessie, Jess, Panda, Sis
44) What was the last movie you saw?
I think I already answered this one...
45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
Physical injury? I broke my knee.
46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Yes.
47) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Yes.
48) What’s your sexual orientation?
Straight.
49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
Yes.
50) Do you believe in magic?
Yes.
51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
No.
52) What is your astrological sign?
Taurus
53) Do you save money or spend it?
Both.
54) What’s the last thing you purchased?
Lunch today.
55) Love or lust?
Both.
56) In a relationship?
Yes.
57) How many relationships have you had?
Three.
58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
No.
59) Where were you yesterday?
Work.
60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yes. xD
61) Are you wearing socks right now?
No.
62) What’s your favorite animal?
Panda Bear.
63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Be myself.
64) Where is your best friend?
At her house.
65) Spit or swallow?(;
For brushing my teeth? Spit. :P
66) What is your heritage?
Irish, German, Native American, Pain in the Ass.
67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Sleeping.
68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?
Temptation.
69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?
Uh. Duh?
70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
Yes.
71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
Save the dog.
72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
I don't tell anyone. I spend them wrapping up loose ends and making arrangements. Then I'll travel. I don't know if I'd be afraid.
73) You can only have one of these things: trust or love.
Love.
74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
The Show-Lenka
75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
9364
76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
Trust, Communication, Humor, Some seriousness, flexibility.
77) How can I win your heart?
Sorry. It's taken.
78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
Oh yes.
79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
To give the person I'm with a chance.
80) What size shoes do you wear?
8 1/2
81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
"Great mother, grandmother, sister, and friend."
82) What is your favorite word?
During what?
83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.
Organ.
84) What is a saying you say a lot?
"What do you want me to do?"
85) What’s the last song you listened to?
I don't remember.
86) Basic question: what’s your favorite color/colors?
TARDIS Blue or any shade of it.
87) What is your current desktop picture?
a forest.
88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
*giggles*
89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
The last one.
90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Tell them to go away because I have work in the morning. Damn Egyptians. xD
91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
Hmm...I'd have to think about that one. Probably empathy.
92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
The day that I chose to say yes to my 2nd boyfriend.
93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Not sure.
94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
Uh...Hugh Laurie.
95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Ireland. :)
96) Do you have any relatives in jail?
Yes.
97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?
Yes.
98) Ever been on a plane?
Yes.
99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Stop the damn drama!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)