I want to throw up. And other news.

Okay. So. This past month has been very eventful. Not the good kind of events either. I'm talking about the kind of events that make you question your existence and the reason why you're still on the planet.

First off, I just want to put a disclaimer right here: I LOVE MY MOTHER VERY MUCH. AND MY SISTERS. The following does not have to do with that at all.

Now that we've gotten that taken care of...

Three weeks ago on a Tuesday night, my mother and I got into an argument. The whys and whetherfors are really irrelevant. Words were exchanged in anger, and my mother's usually verbal abuse ("you are my daughter and you will do exactly as I say," "I don't need to respect you," "You're a fat bitch," "you're a fuck up (because you have a black boyfriend) and therefore will amount to nothing,") and other such verbal slams quickly escalated into threatened physical violence. In her anger (over my responses to her anger,) my mother threw a plate into the kitchen sink, shattering it and one other, while still yelling.

The next morning I was still a fuck up and had car keys thrown at my head, and I was furthermore "Retarded" by her standards.

Tired of being treated the way I was (That was very abbreviated) and being yelled at on the way to my school, I got out of the car, got two steps into the school, and started crying. In front of the financial aid advisor and Sister Sally, one of the few nuns still left at Mercy. I told them that I didn't know what I needed to do, that I was stressed beyond belief, and that I needed help. I needed out. I didn't feel safe or even loved anymore.

Needless to say, this got me a whole bunch of (unwanted sympathy) help. Before the end of the day, I had my FAFSA status changed to forced independent, the Director of Student Life looking at Emergency Housing at the school, and a meeting with the counselor "to ensure my mental safety and health".

No apartments were available that week, so I had to wait.

Fast forward a week. It was a Weds. evening and the director of student life told me two weeks, that he'd finally gotten ahold of the person wanting to break their lease, yada yada.

two weeks pass...(Hell, might I add) and I call him. Still no word.

Another week (Today) has passed and the only thing that I have newswise is that the girl still wants to move, but I may have to wait until January to move in (and she's allowed because her lease doesn't let up until July). So I'm stuck waiting.

And waiting.

Saturday, I'm hoping to go car shopping with my mechanic to see if I can find something in my price range.

Maybe that will help a little.

Idk.

I'm exhausted. I want to throw up. My uterus is a hostile environment and a very abusive part of my body. My abdomen feels like I'm being ripped apart and torn into a million pieces.

My mom's acting like usual.

So, we'll see.

A rant. A schedule. A very I-don't-fucking-care-at-the-moment Post.

A Rant.

Over the past few weeks (since she found out I had a boyfriend), my mother has informed me of quite a few things. I shall summarize them here: 

• I am worthless. As worthless as any one person can be. Maybe even lower than that last person.
• I don't do enough around the house. Apparently nursing school does not take up your time (see the post entitled "The Schedule" below). 
• I am disrespectful. Because I am dating a black man. Yes. Disrespect to my mother because of MY choices in MY life, with MY future at stake. 
• I am not allowed to have an attitude towards my mother, not negative whatsoever. Also. Her Highness (as I shall refer to Her from this point forward) believes that when She commands me to jump, I shall ask "how high," and "from where?" as if I am Her slave, not an equal. And GOD FORBID if I mention the Golden Rule.
• Because I am so worthless, useless, and so...subservient to Her Highness, I shall also amount to nothing. The fact that I have already attained an Associate's Degree in Science and General Studies, as well as being approximately 7.5 months away from attaining my Bachelor of Science and Nursing with a minor in Religious Studies, is irrelevant. 
• Because I forgot to take out the trash yesterday and because I didn't put a load of laundry out on the line (because our dryer is fucked and She doesn't want to believe me), I am automatically going to fail at life. See bulletpoints numbers 1 and 2 above.
• I will be a horrible wife, and mother. 
• I don't want to be part of the family (her words, not mine), so therefore I am not. Because I have things to do (such as studying for exams and whatnot), I cannot attend family functions, such as a concert that will entrap them down in Bowling Green for approximately 6 hours (The Royal Princess, The Almighty Pain in the Ass, has a concert. Her Highness obviously has to go). 

The Schedule: 

So, as I've mentioned before, Her Highness does not believe that nursing school takes up your life. I have an example, however, of what my schedule looks like for JUST October. AND I still have to add in 48 more hours of community clinical in...

And I understand that it's going to be hard with one car for Her Highness to work, so now it's like She can't do any real 12 hour shifts, but acts like it's my fault. I told Her multiple times about my schedule getting rough, and she doesn't believe me. 

And that's just outside work. That isn't even telling you when all of my quizzes, exams, papers, and other things are. It SUCKS.

The very I-don't-fucking-care-at-the-moment Post.

Basically since Her Highness has started her crap with the disrespect and everything, I've been contemplating more and more on moving. It would suck for them, and I'd feel bad, but I just can't live in what I'm living in for much longer. I keep telling myself that by this time next year I'll be out on my own with a new job and car and I'll be in a much better place. 

I'm just hoping that that is true. I mean, I know for a fact that my life isn't going to change too drastically. I'll be living out on my own, having to buy my own meals and whatnot, but I also won't have to hear Her Highness and the Two Little Women Who Could Do No Wrong complain and bitch at me, and gang up on me. 

I would be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without being judged for it. 

Including seeing my boyfriend.

I would be able to sleep in when I could, eat what I want, even watch the television that I want to without being stuck in my room all day.

But you know what really sucks? 

People tell us as we're growing up to tell others that "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." 

That's a lie.

It's a fucking, in-your-face lie. 

Because words can hurt. They can sting and shatter, and even tear your soul to shreds. 

You bleed. Your heart aches and there's a pain in the pit of your stomach that just won't leave you alone. Betrayal seethes in your mind and your thoughts radiate around why you're being spoken to as you are. 

For me, I have a really hard time not falling back into old habits. 

For those of you who don't know, I used to self-harm when I was in high school. It started around 2003/2004 when I was in 8th grade going into 9th. My father had just passed away, family members were fighting with each other, and my mother had been hospitalized within a few weeks of my dad's passing. 

I was in pain.

No counselors came to help out through the grieving process, my mother wasn't there to do it, and my other family members didn't really seem to acknowledge it. 

So I was hurting and mad and sad. I hated that the death of my father could bring such negative feelings to the surface. So I decided that I was going to control my pain. Not him. 

And I cut. 

It wasn't the sight of the blood or the cry for attention. I've never been much of an attention or pity seeker, really. It was for the physical pain that it caused. It was the fact that I was causing my own pain and no one could take that from me or make it worse. I was in control. 

And it helped. 

For five years. 

I always wore long sleeves to hide it. I relished in the fact that the pain was there and that I could just press against a cut I'd made in my wrist to cause a sharp jab, to snap me back to the present, to give me the satisfaction that even though there were bullies in my school that teased me, I could cause my own pain and didn't need them to do it. 

Then, my boyfriend at the time found out when we were going to prom. He'd moved and grabbed my wrist, where I flinched and moved my arm away from him. He found the cuts and I saw the pain in his eyes, and the fear, and I felt like someone finally cared. 

With his help, I stopped cutting. Well, not just his help. My friends were there to support me as well. 

But now I feel as if I'm lacking that type of support. Disappointment after disappointment comes flooding in, my mother is tossing sharp words around and rooting them deep inside of me, that it hurts, and I feel like I'm spinning out of control again. 

So I close my eyes and just breathe. I pray to God for strength, and I turn away from the urge to do what I'd done for years...Because I know that it isn't effective coping. I know that it could be dangerous. And I don't want to go back to that. 

So even if my mother keeps telling me the hurtful things in the first post, I just have to keep reminding myself that I have an amazing boyfriend and an awesome best friend that are there for me no matter what. That if I need to cry or just hear them, then I can just call. 

So in all honesty? 

I don't fucking care what people think of me anymore. Not the superficial assholes, not the shallow bitches. I have what I need. I have God, my boyfriend, and my friends. I have my life ahead of me, and I have a good mind of what I want and need. 

And I WILL succeed. Because success means that I have proven so many people wrong. I can smile at my mother and tell her to shove all of her superficial and racial beliefs up her ass and then I can leave. 

Maybe in the future we can patch things up. But, for right now, I just have to keep on moving, ignoring her racial slants and agreeing even though she's wrong. 

And I'll pray for her.

So, this is the end of the rant and everything else. Those of you who have my number can text me or email me. Others can comment below.

Day 2 Post op.

So, today definitely had its ups and downs.

I woke up this morning with minimal pain. I had to move slowly, so I got up early, but woke before my alarm. I got dressed, ate a little and then took my meds.

I got ready to drive to work and gathered some homework, just in case the rain decided to come in early. It didn't.

Today was resource day at Mercy, so students from the school came out and I got to talk about the library and NSNA (national student nurse's association), and got a lot of people interested in both. I also got to sit outside for a few hours. The heat helped my kidneys a lot.

I even got free Tony Packo's.

THEN the pain started in.

It was around 1:30 when it started to really hit, and I was still on the clock. I helped a person or two and then clocked out. I went to see my advisor to sign my graduation request papers, and then I went to see the teacher for the class that I missed yesterday.

Pain kept getting worse. And I forgot my meds at home.

So I called my doctor again.

They want me to pull the stent on Monday, but didn't even give me enough pain meds to last that long. So I was calling for a new prescription. It took me 2h to actually get through to someone. So, instead of percocet, they gave me vicodin.

Vicodin is slightly weaker for me, but I'm going to see how I operate on it on Saturday and Sunday, so I can save my percocets when I have to pull the stent.

But you would have thought that when I called almost sobbing because the pain was so bad, that the nurse would have felt sympathy. I think she thinks that I'm a drug seeker. But I'm not!

I'm still urinating a ton of blood, which is kind of to be expected. I'd be more concerned if I urinated a ton on Saturday, or even Sunday. Just pray for me.

I can feel the stent. I can feel where it starts in my kidney, and I can feel where it ends in the urethra. I'm ready for it to be OUT.

And I'm ready for this semester to get really started!

Day 0 and Day 1 of Surgery and Post-op.

Day 0: Surgery Day.

So, for those of you less fortunate that don't get to talk to me on a regular basis, I have bilateral kidney stones. It basically means my kidneys hate me and that I'm in for a world of pain. The reason why I know this, is because I had to be taken to the ER (I think I did a post about it) and they found a 5 mm obstructive (means it won't pass on its own) stone in my right kidney. OW.

So, after about 3 weeks of nothing but intermittent pain because the specialty clinic I had to go to wouldn't get me in until then, I finally was able to schedule my surgery.

Surgery, you ask? Yes. It's called a cystoscopy. Very clever word for "shove a huge camera up the tiny urethra (where your pee comes from) and look for the stone and try to catch it!" They did a cystoscopy, a lithotripsy (which is a clever word for playing metroid in my kidney--literally. They used a laser to blast the stone into a million pieces), and then a stent placement (which is like a reaaalllyyy long tube that goes up through the urethra, through the bladder, and to the kidney to have an artifical passageway always open so the stone fragments can be led out of my kidney). Most. Uncomfortable. Thing. Ever.

So, I was supposed to arrive at 1:30 yesterday (August 20, 2013), for pre-surgery testing and whatnot. It was a waste of time. I went in, signed in, was pulled back to the pre-surgery area, told to strip of everything (even my bra and underwear--shudder!) and had an I.V. placed. My nurse's name was Martha, and she was awesome. Only one poke and she had the I.V. in my hand. It lasted through surgery and everything! Go Martha!

Anyway, I ended up being placed in another unit because the one I was on was closing (no one to work it) and the sugery I was supposed to have at 3:30 didn't happen until 5:30. That's right. 4 hours of just sitting in a bed, fully nekkid under this cloth gown, and starving. Starving, because I was unallowed to eat after midnight monday going into Tuesday.

So, the anesthesiologist came to speak with me and had me open my mouth to say ah, because he wanted to see my airway. A flash of panic floated through my body. Were they planning to intubate me? Why? So I asked him just that. He seemed genuinely confused and surprised. Apparently, not many patients had the guts to ask the guy who was going to be responsible for knocking your ass out about why I needed to be intubated. He explained it simply. Basically, I was going to be asleep during the surgery. I wouldn't feel anything. However, if the doctor accidentally hit something that caused me to cough, it could damage my kidneys, and cause more issues. So, to prevent that, the anesthesiologist was going to paralyze me, intubate me, and breathe for me. I wouldn't be able to move, and I wouldn't be awake. Therefore, it reduced the risk for injury on my part.

Kinda scary, but yeah.

So, I finally was pulled back into the surgery suite, where my doctor, the resident, and the rest of the surgery team were waiting for me. The room was small, crowded, and I was claustrophobic. I was moved to a hard surgery table, the bed was wheeled out, and instantly people started moving. I was getting EPC cuffs on my legs to help circulation, I was getting a blood pressure cuff on my arm to watch my vitals, I had someone playing with my I.V. and replacing my pulse oximeter, I had like four people talking to me, and then I had the anesthesiologist messing with the mask and trying to knock me out.

After about five minutes it worked and I was asleep. The next thing I know it's like 6-6:10, I'm waking up, talking with a very sore throat to my nurse, unable to open my eyes, and wanting water. I feel a straw against my lips and I can't get my brain to want to let me drink yet, so she has to remind me to put my lips around the straw and suck. I do. The cool water is amazing to feel on my throat, but after a few moments, I cough and choke. My gag reflex isn't fully back yet.

So I start talking to her, pulling at the nasal cannula in my nose. It burns and everything is dry. Even my mouth. She shoves crackers at me, telling me to eat so she can get me pain medication, because my GOD, it hurts. Mostly my urethra and right side, but everything seems sore. I wondered if they dropped me for a moment. So, I try to eat a cracker, almost aspirate on the damn thing, and I'm trying to hold my glass of water while I'm coughing and everything else, and my nurse just stays by my side. I finally get like three saltines down and a whole glass and a half of water when the nurse starts to push flagyl in my I.V. It was like bliss. The pain went away in my throat, and even a little where the stent was. She was explaining that the procedure went good, I had no complications, and they were able to blast the stone.

I tell her I have to pee, but she doesn't believe me. I keep telling her until about 30 minutes pass and she finally lets me get up. She grabs my clothes and wheels me in a wheelchair to the bathroom to get dressed. I pee, and it's like I'm peeing sand, and it hurts. So I realize that the doctor placed a thread on the stent, and that if I catch myself just right on it trying to wipe, that i could dislodge the damn thing early. Great.

This is a stent by the way. The one on the top is the one I have.

New learing experience. Find the string, put it to the side, kind of blot around down there to make sure I'm dry, and then let the string hang like it should, pull up underwear, put on pants, try to clasp bra, put on shirt, straighten hair, pull call light, sway a little because the room seems to want to move...and then get put back into the wheelchair. I thank Martha, because your nurses really do need praise, and then I'm wheeled downstairs to find my aunt, uncle, grandmother, mother, jamie, and jennifer all waiting for me. I stand up slowly, the nurse right behind me (because it's been less than an hour since I've been out of surgery and awake), and I hug everyone, make sure they know I'm okay, and then I go home.

I'm no longer hungry. I'm tired, and sore, and a little pissy. I just want to rest.

I go home, make a few phone calls with a raspy voice, and then rest for a while. By 9p, I have my meds. I take them. But I notice that I was only given 15 percocet. I worry a little, because if you take one percocet every six hours for pain for seven days, that should be 28 percocet. More about that later. I take the one I'm supposed to and end up being awake on the sixth hour dot to take my next one. I'm in pain.

Day 1: Post-Op

I tried to get up to go to class today. I really did. But I couldn't. I was in pain, my kidney hurt worse, everything hurt worse! I won't even get into everything that I feel/felt. I had to call the clinic this morning, which basically told me that I can't get another prescription until Monday earliest, which is a load of BULL. So, if I have to pull my stent without pain meds, I'm screwed, you know?

Then, I can only shower, but we have no shower curtain. Water goes everywhere.

When I pee, it hurts like hell. My body hates me.

I have to work tomorrow. I'm okay with that. But I'm scared that the pain is going to be unbearable.

I really just want to cry, which I've done a few times today because the pain has become so unmanageable that nothing helps.

I feel bad that I've ignored texts and everything, but texts seem kind of irrelevant sometimes when you're trying to hold still and find a good place that you don't have AS MUCH pain.


Maybe tomorrow will be better. I have to get some schoolwork done, and I should be able to drive. SHOULD. No guarantees. *sighs*

I'm going to eat dinner and then I'm going to rest again. Probably do some homework that I haven't touched in 2 days.

A Rant.

So first I'll give an update.

Last Monday I was diagnosed with a 5mm kidney stone in my right kidney. I spent 7h in the ER waiting for that diagnosis. The cause of the pain was what the doctor called "occlusion". Okay fine. He gave me 2 days' worth of vicodin and 5 days worth of this stuff called FLOmax, which they use to help with urine output (so I wouldn't retain and so I would (and didn't) pass the kidney stone).

So, day 7 of kidney stone.

Plus, the Thursday before that, I was diagnosed with asthma. Apparently I don't need a long-term inhaler, only an emergency one. Fine. So I have that.

Now, to this morning.

Add in my allergies this morning, plus utter exhaustion because my body thinks it needs to use all of its energy worrying about this damn stone, and you have one exhausted, pain-filled, and very short-tempered Jess.

But what does Jess do? She takes a deep breath, remembers that she loves her family, takes a few puffs of the newly prescribed inhaler, and gets up and deals with her mother (and her complaining) before going to work.

I get to work, clock in, and the hell starts. I'm in pain, have to deal with a boss that just returned from being gone a week, and having to deal with a pile of things that she thought of as the day went by for me to do. I finish all of them, take a 30 minute break (nap) instead of lunch, and then get back to work.

I get off of work, go home, and get to listen to my mother gasp, ooh, and ah as she watches the Bachelorette past 2 episodes.

Then, she has to go and get Jamie from her friend's house. So, I decide I'm going to catch up on a tv episode I've DVR'd (So I can delete it for more space), and I only have 20 minutes left when they get back. Jamie walks in, complains that I'm in her spot, and then sits her blankets, pillows, and anything else she can find on the tray table right in front of me, blocking my view from the television.

So, I ask her politely not once, but TWICE to please move her stuff just so I can finish watching the television episode. She doesn't. So, I knock it off of the tray table and press play (thank God for pause). So, she gets up, picks it up, and puts it right back. Calls me names, and then stomps off to tell mom (because you know, we're not adults or anything), and runs her mouth. Mom yells for me to stop, I yell that I'm not doing anything wrong, and Jamie stomps off to the bathroom to wipe away her crocodile tears.

She comes back into the room and starts in on her shit. When I start to counteract her and contradict what she's saying with reality (because, you know, a chair really doesn't belong to anyone. Hell, it's older than her, and she was gone) and what my goal had been, that she'd been the one to blow shit out of proportion, she starts yelling, which triggers the mom monster (who was laying down in bed), and I get yelled at again.

So, by this point, I'm pissed off, in pain, trying to watch the last 20 minutes of a television show, have kittens climbing all over me, and my two sisters also yelling with my mom. I'm beyond done.

My mom threatens to "put [her] foot down [my] throat," and I tell her that she should try, because I would really love for that to happen. She comes out, gets in my face, and so help me God if I didn't have kittens on me, I'm sure I would have been in jail by now. I wanted to slap the shit out of her. Like...seriously.

It wasn't even her conversation.

So, I just looked at her and reminded her politely that both of her daughters are adults and should be able to have their own arguments and get through them by themselves, without parental involvement, well, of course that doesn't work. Mom stomps off to lay down, tells me to shut up. I look at Jamie, tell her that she can't ask me for anything, and if she says a word to me, to expect no reply, and I finish my television episode. I pay for the damn television, internet, and phone, and can't even watch a show in peace.

Not to mention that I've paid for the insurance on her NON RUNNING vehicle since May.

That's $400 I didn't have.

And does she care? Nope.

Well guess what? She's going to be getting a rude awakening. I'm going to be telling her she owes it to me AS SOON as she gets her refund. Then I'm going to buy myself something nice. (A.K.A. I'm saving for testing next semester.)

And I'm hoping to be moved out by August 1, 2014. In my own place. With my own money.

Away from this hellhole.

My head is killing me, I'm so pissed off that I feel on the dangerous end of dark, and I really just want to curl up in a ball and literally die. Like, yeah.

Because, according to them, I have no respect. According to them, I'm a bad sister and daughter. But do they see what I do for them on a daily basis? Do they realize how much worry I have for them? No. Will they? No.

It's infuriating.

How I met him...

Well, since many didn't know about the first "date" that I had with my boyfriend (and because I feel totally touched that he did a post about a week ago on it) and how it went, I'm going to try to give my side of the story. :)

So, I met him when Rachael and I went to go and see The Hobbit. A mutual friend was invited and he brought my (not-then) boyfriend along with him. I didn't know who he was, where he was from, or anything about him. We all met up at iHop to eat (because, you know, gotta have breakfast before watching The Hobbit) and that's when I first met him.

It was awkward.

I sat next to him but kept my distance. We talked, but it was all polite and very superficial. I hadn't seen our mutual friend in quite some time, and it was just...odd. Well, after getting into conversation with them, things got a little more relaxed. Rachael has that way of making me comfortable, and then once I'm relaxed, we tend to be quite entertainment.

After the meal, we made it to the theater, met up with other friends, and all watched the movie. After that, we walked around the mall. I had no idea what he was up to, or what he was thinking. The mutual friend and Rachael were talking about their partners, and Rachael suggested that I date him. I laughed and shook my head, muttering the noncommittal, "I'm not ready for a relationship." I gave the usual reasons of nursing school, my mother, and relationships being more work than I can handle with school.

I felt bad, actually, felt like a bitch, because I just totally stepped on and squished (what I thought) any chances that he may have had or thoughts that he had.

Well, then the New Year came around.

It took him a bit, but he finally messaged me on facebook. I was touched, but nervous. Part of me was panicking, thinking he was some sort of stalker that had been biding his time, laying in wait for some sort of unforeseen opportunity. We began to talk and I sort-of relaxed. He didn't ask for my phone number, I didn't ask for his. Not until the day of the movie. But I'm jumping ahead.

One day, it was as if fate had decided to play tricks on me. I was talking to Rachael about stuff going on, and she suggested something about asking him to a movie. Just as she typed it, he messaged me on facebook and asked me to see a movie with him, his treat. I sort-of panicked, I'll admit. I kept asking him if it was intentionally just as friends, or if it was going to be a date date. Because I didn't want a relationship.

He told me yes, that it was just as friends. So I hesitantly accepted. We had a great time at the movies (Warm Bodies), and he even stopped me from buying my own food.

I took him home, thanked him, and went on my way, feeling odd. But, in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that it wasn't a date. Just friends getting to know one another.

Well, I was wrong. And I'm glad that I was.

Happy Birthday to my Best Friend and Then it's All Downhill From There....

So. Today was my best friend/sister Rachael's birthday. As a gift, I took her to see Despicable Me 2 and gave her a Hot Stone Massage kit I'd gotten for her back in February. It was great seeing her, as we hadn't seen each other for a while, and I enjoyed sitting next to her and having fun like we usually do.

After we parted ways, I spent the rest of the time with my boyfriend, younger sister, and her friend (Well, we stalked them, to be completely honest. We'd already been through the mall once) as they walked through the mall.

After we finished with the mall, I took my boyfriend home, and then drove home with my sister. We entered the house, it's close to 9 p.m., and no dinner has been cooked, and nothing seems to have been touched. My mom is laying on the couch, and my other sister on her computer (Where she lives, I swear. She barely moves to do anything. Talk about a vegetable?).

I get myself all worked out (bathroom, a drink of water, etc...) and then go into the living room. My mom is asleep. So I talk to my sister who has been home all day, and find out absolutely nothing through her. My mom wakes up and she's in a bitchy mood. I can just tell, you know? So I ask her what's wrong and why she's upset. She looks at me and then looks away. "I'm not upset. Why should I be fucking upset?" The curse instantly stabs my heart and I start getting anxious. What happened now? What is she going to pin on me because I wasn't home?

So, I take a breath, try to calm myself, and say, "Well, if you aren't upset, then why are you acting like you are? If you weren't upset, you wouldn't be cussing." She makes one of those noises that is almost like a "pfft" sound, and then starts bitching. "Well, after you guys left to go to the movies, I got called into work. But because you guys were gone, I couldn't tell them I could go in." One point against me. "THEN, I got denied for unemployment." Bam. Number two.

Now, for those of you who don't know, my mom was wrongfully terminated from her job because her boss wanted to take the word of a person that wasn't trustworthy (and had been proven such multiple times before) over my mother's (who they have never had any problems with), back about a month ago. She applied for unemployment and started her search for a new job the same day she was terminated. She's technically hired into 3 different places, but only one place (that does facility staffing--she goes in when the facility can't find any of their employees to go in and covers for them) actually calls her. They called her once about two weeks ago. Because she worked the 8 hour shift, unemployment says that they can't pay her for the time lost. Which is bullshit. We're financially dead right now. I don't know what we're going to do. I've even tried selling my GPS and other items for money, but no one is buying. Everyone is having it tough.

And my family members?

My grandmother told my mother that she couldn't help her. Which is understandable. And then, to add insult to injury, she says, "Why don't you get a rich boyfriend and use him for his money?"

That took a few weeks for her to stop telling everyone.

So now, it's instantly my fault that she was called into work and couldn't make it. Of course. It couldn't have been my younger sister's fault. No siree. Why would it be? I mean, it's not like she made the plans first or anything (She did).

So, without saying anything, I just look at her. I apologize for being the dirt of the earth and unable to do anything right and then she looks at me and says. "Go make dinner." I just stared at her. "What should I make?"

"I don't care."

I ended up making chicken (which was still frozen and took forever in a 400* oven), and italian potatoes. It didn't get done until about 10:00p.m. here. I ate, fed the kittens, and then decided, "Hey. I'll go to bed. Shower in the morning."

Of course, my mother bitches. "Dishes haven't been done, dogs need let out, trash needs to go out, blah blah blah." Stuff that she could have my other sisters doing. So, I go and take the trash out, and then I let the dogs out. My mom finally asks my sister to do the dishes, and then tells the other to do the blah blah blah's.

I come upstairs, ready to go to sleep, but I'm so anxious and angry, and just about every negative emotion you can think of, so I can't sleep.

I feel so worthless to them. Like I don't do enough or try enough. I'm just ready to break down and give up totally. Lay in bed and just...give up.

Hmm....Updates...I suppose...o.o

Life has taken an interesting turn.

Work dropped me from 16h/week to 12.5. Sucks, but still manageable. Because of it, I only work 2 days/week, and I get to choose the days and hours.

I am getting all of my senior year books, including 6 NCLEX books, for $100. The girl is willing to just give me the books and let me pay at a later date. I'm stoked.

Speaking of NCLEX, my coworker, Miriam, said as a graduation gift for me, she's going to pay for my NCLEX! I'm so thankful to her for it. That means it's one less thing that I have to worry about.

I'm still with my boyfriend. He's awesome. Today was the first day that his family was gone and we had some much needed *cough* fun. It's been a little over 2 months since we've made it official and ten days from being 7 months since we've known each other.

I can't believe it's already July already. I really need to get to the skills lab to update my skills, like, yesterday. I'm thinking maybe in the next two weeks I will. I'm going to see if they have some math skills I can practice as well, and see if they can get me trained on the new med-administration system, EPIC, so I'll be two steps ahead for the fall.

Anxiety sucks. Everytime I think about school and my senior year, I start to panic. I don't know why, but it's like my heart starts racing and it gets hard to breathe and I suddenly need air and everything else. >.>

We have babies now!! Three weeks old....(see pic below)

Kitties!!! Callie is mine. xD 

They're adorable. Callie is our only female and she has attitude (and fangs. Don't forget the fangs). 

Um...other than that, things have been pretty much the same. Except for A LOT of rain. 

Other than that I've been doing a lot of reading, gaming, and being home. Every Sunday I go to church and then mostly I'm at home. Like now. I'm home. It's hot. I wish I was somewhere else, but I'm not. 

So, until next time!

99 Questions

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

1. Outside-Staind
2. Kryptonite-3 Doors Down
3. Vermillion-Slipknot
4. I hate everything about you-Three Days Grace
5. He Wont Go-Adele
6. Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon.

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
       Robin Williams

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
        "Do you know the boy who has been brought here?" -Son of a Witch, Wicked Series #2, Maguire

4) What do you think about most?
        My current situation, usually about money and school.

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
      "But it's not different at all."

6) Do you sleep with or without on?
    I sleep without pants and with a blanket. xD

7) What’s your strangest talent?
     I don't know. xD

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)
 Uh....I have no idea. >.>

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
No.

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
Uh...This afternoon. xD

11) Do you have any strange phobias?
I'm scared of spiders because I think they're going to eat my toes (Don't judge), and I'm also really scared of  those automatic clock-in stamp machine things...

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
xD. Not that I recall.

13) What’s your religion?
Christian.

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Enjoying the weather.

15) Do you perfer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind.

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
I don't have ONE favorite.

17) What was the last lie you told?
"I'm okay. Really." to my boss about something she said.

18) Do you believe in karma?
Yes.

19) What does your URL mean?
Means what it says.

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
My greatest weakness is that I see the good in everyone, or the potential for good. My strength is that I can get through a lot even when I'm disappointed without causing too much of a ruckus about it.

21) Who is your celebrity crush?
Oohh....Hmm....most recently it's been Ian Somerholder and David Tennant.

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Yes.

23) How do you vent your anger?
It depends. Journaling helps, or I call up a friend and vent.

24) Do you have a collection of anything?
xD. I have a blanket fetish. I literally have to tell myself no. I mean, I even have a blanket or two in my car.

25) Do you perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Either/or.

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?
For the most part.

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
I absolutely HATE the sound of whining. Seriously. Even if it's joking. It makes me want to tear your face off. I love to hear the sound of a person laughing or even the sound that he makes when he's really feeling good. xD

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?
What if I don't get the money to finish my last two semesters of nursing school?

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Ghosts: Yes. Aliens: Possibly.

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
Right arm: my glass I almost knocked over full of iced tea. Left: My tote bag.

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?
Dinner.

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
New York City...Inner City. At a Taxi gas station and rest stop. We had to pee. The bathroom was absolutely ridiculously dirty.

33) Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
East.

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
Hugh Laurie.

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
The meaning of life is procreation. We were put on this earth to go forth and multiply, basically. In that, we have found love, happiness, and peace--when we find the right person.

36) Define: Art.
Art is any expression of someone else's inspiration.

37) Do you believe in luck?
Sometimes.

38) What’s the weather like right now?
It's cooling off and looks like rain.

39) What time is it?
This is going to be queued, so it's 1400.

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
Yes I drive. I've had a minor collision where we exchanged bits of bumper paint.

41) What was the last book you read?
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Depends on my mood.

43) Do you have any nicknames?
Jessie, Jess, Panda, Sis

44) What was the last movie you saw?
I think I already answered this one...

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
Physical injury? I broke my knee.

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Yes.

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Yes.

48) What’s your sexual orientation?
Straight.

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
Yes.

50) Do you believe in magic?
Yes.

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
No.

52) What is your astrological sign?
Taurus

53) Do you save money or spend it?
Both.

54) What’s the last thing you purchased?
Lunch today.

55) Love or lust?
Both.

56) In a relationship?
Yes.

57) How many relationships have you had?
Three.

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
No.

59) Where were you yesterday?
Work.

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yes. xD

61) Are you wearing socks right now?
No.

62) What’s your favorite animal?
Panda Bear.

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Be myself.

64) Where is your best friend?
At her house.

65) Spit or swallow?(;
For brushing my teeth? Spit. :P

66) What is your heritage?
Irish, German, Native American, Pain in the Ass.

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Sleeping.

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?
Temptation.

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?
Uh. Duh?

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
Yes.

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
Save the dog.

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
I don't tell anyone. I spend them wrapping up loose ends and making arrangements. Then I'll travel. I don't know if I'd be afraid.

73) You can only have one of these things: trust or love.
Love.

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
The Show-Lenka

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
9364

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
Trust, Communication, Humor, Some seriousness, flexibility.

77) How can I win your heart?
Sorry. It's taken.

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
Oh yes.

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
To give the person I'm with a chance.

80) What size shoes do you wear?
8 1/2

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
"Great mother, grandmother, sister, and friend."

82) What is your favorite word?
During what?

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.
Organ.

84) What is a saying you say a lot?
"What do you want me to do?"

85) What’s the last song you listened to?
I don't remember.

86) Basic question: what’s your favorite color/colors?
TARDIS Blue or any shade of it.

87) What is your current desktop picture?
a forest.

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
*giggles*

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
The last one.

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Tell them to go away because I have work in the morning. Damn Egyptians. xD

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
Hmm...I'd have to think about that one. Probably empathy.

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
The day that I chose to say yes to my 2nd boyfriend.

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Not sure.

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
Uh...Hugh Laurie.

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Ireland. :)

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?
Yes.

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?
Yes.

98) Ever been on a plane?
Yes.

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Stop the damn drama!

Random Questions...

1. I thought he was the one. His name was Thomas and he lived 2.5 hours away from me in a small town south of where I live. I met him through a mutual person and I was 13. I initiated the relationship, ended it a few times, got back together with him, and then when I turned 18 and graduated H.S., he decided to tell me I was cheating on him with my (gay) best friend and that it was over-THROUGH INSTANT MESSENGER (because he *cough*couldn't be a man *cough* and call or do it personally). I've not heard from him since 2008.
2. I've not been drunk to have a drunken story...o.o
3. Well, if I told you that, then it wouldn't be a secret anymore...
4. He's awesome. xD
5. Currently? Doctor Who.
6. "Highs in the 80s this afternoon. Be prepared for a chance of strong storms tomorrow. Highs in the 80s." (Yay weather updates)
7. "You shut your whore mouth!" -Alaina to no one in particular behind her, shocking the hell out of Cameron and Charles, who both instantly looked like scolded puppies. (OWE fest' 13)
8. Uh...Lindsay Stirling this past May. Before that there was Jerrod Niemann (and a few other country singers)...and...that's about it for the last decade or so. xD
9. Hmm...ask me closer to December. xD
10. Light blue Jeans and a college t-shirt. appropriate undergarments, and tennis shoes.
11. "The Way I Am" Ingrid Michaelson.
12. The Hobbit Show (December '12)
13. I'm assuming you mean 2012--WBC for sure. (Wisconsin Badger Camp. Was a counselor).
14. it depends on how you define crazy...?
15. Silver necklace with a cross pendant.
16. Uh...previous posts describe that I think. xD
17. Having to apologize to Jezebel for "stepping on toes," and then having to get all "giggly girly" to get her to shut the hell up about her complaints.
18. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
19. Well...this one time...at Rachael's house... xD I can't pick just one.
20. Seeing as how he's 2/3 years younger than me? I can't complain. Age is really a number. If both parties can be on the same "maturity level" than each other, then why should we stop them? Now, minor vs. adult is a totally different story.
21. 
22. "And I love you more than I could ever promise. And you take me the way I am."
23. Yes.
24. It shouldn't happen. XD
25. Not with me. xD
26. Skip
27. Skip
28. Skip
29. TARDIS Journal-for my birthday. xD
30. I've had a few. XD If you want to know, ask.

Questions of the Day

1. What do you plan on doing with your life a decade from now?
        I'd like to be with a significant other (partner) in a relationship that's going strong and steady, still working as a nurse (possibly nurse educator) and maybe even thinking about kids.

2. Do you support abortion? Yes or No? Give your reasons.
         Abortion is a difficult topic to even discuss. I believe in abortion only when it is medically necessary. For example, if a pregnant woman is in danger of losing her life and the life-saving measures cause the baby to die as a side effect of the life-saving measures, then yes. Optional abortion? Not so much. It's a grey area, which I still am not clear on.

3. Do you support euthanasia? Yes or No? Give your reasons.
           I believe in euthanasia for people who have a terminal diagnosis in which chronic pain and suffering are going to be the last things they feel. I believe that physicians and psychiatrists need to be consulted for an in-depth analysis as to whether or not it's the right situation--some states are even making physician assisted suicides legal.

4. Would you rather go back in time or remain where you are in terms of the time of your life?
                I would like to stay where I am in terms of the time of my life. I'm in an okay spot. Life isn't easy, and even with all of the speed bumps I've encountered (and many walls that I've had to climb), I'm actually content where I'm at.

5. Do you like the school you’re going to? Yes or No? Give your reasons.
        Don't get me wrong, I love Mercy. However, I also work at Mercy. Being both a student and an employee gives me advantages that other students do not have. I see the inner workings of the way things are run at Mercy (not just in the college, but in the hospital systems) and I have to say that it is nowhere near efficient, feasible, or even run in a way that makes sense. Everyone has to go through someone else, who then has to go through someone else, that has to get to the main stakeholders (Catholic health partners) which then has to go through like ten more people, just to get something changed. It's ridiculous.

6. Who was your favourite Disney princess as a child?
   Belle. :)


7. How do you manage your finances? What do you normally spend it on? And what would you do with your savings for the future?
    Most of my finances don't need to be managed, lol. I work minimum wage, and they're already spoken for. However, when I do have some extra money, I like to buy things that I need, such as clothing, food for the next two weeks (lunches), school supplies, gas money, etc. If I had savings for the future, I would put them into a separate account that I would kind of forget about to allow it to grow and accumulate. Then, that would go towards possible travel expenses, a new car or my own home. Something that needs saving for.


8. Do you still live with your folks?
 I live with my mother and two sisters, yes. Will I be in a year and a half? Nope.

9. What do you crave for for desserts?
Chocolate. Like...Chocolate gooey brownies with chocolate chips and chocolate frosting with a glass of milk. xD

10. Who are your style icons?
Who are my what? XD I don't have style icons. I wear for comfort and durability.

11. Would you rather die by fire or by ice?
  Ice.

12. Do you believe in an afterlife?
  Yes.

13. What do you fear most about death?
    I don't fear death. I fear what I haven't accomplished. :)

14. Favourite countries and cities in the world.
No order here:

• Chicago, IL (USA)
• LaCrosse, WI (USA)
• Scotland
• Ireland
• London
• Italy
• Australia
• and many more that I want to travel to one day.

15. Extrovert or Introvert?
  Depends on the company.
16. Do you own any pets?
  Yes.

17. Last movie you watched? Did you enjoy it?
    The Godfather-From what I saw, yes. xD

18. Where do you normally shop for clothes?
    Thrift Stores.

19. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Kroger Rep about my Plus Card.

20. Favourite TV shows?
Doctor Who
Game of Thrones
House M.D.
Switched at Birth
Vampire Diaries
Cake Boss
And probably a few others that I DVR or otherwise watch...

A mild update.

No school sucks.

Like. Seriously.

Not having summer classes gives me absolutely no motivation to do anything else. I work at the library (designated 16h a week, but because the other student worker got sick, I'm up to 40h/wk for the next 2 to try and use up our designated hours by the 30th) and sit there for 8.5h a day staring at people walking by and having to act like I'm busy (when in all reality I'm not).

I have this horrible problem of not being able to pace my tasks. I try to take my time when completing tasks, but I know how to work efficiently and everything, so when I have a list of ten items to do that would take someone, say...maybe five days to do because they bullshit and hang around and don't focus on the work until it's finished takes me 2 whole days...14 hours to finish...not even.

I've already finished shelf-reading as well...which takes people forever to do. But, I read fast and so skimming over numbers and letters in order isn't that big of a deal.

I even re-did a whole bulletin board from scratch for the computer lab...it took me 4.5 hours. (Maybe if I remember I'll get a picture and upload it here).

Then, the other student worker returns...before she got sick, we signed up to pledge to walk at least a mile in the fitness program. Well, I made her sign up. I faxed the sheets over, and we figured no one was going to win the raffle for a 2GB iPod Shuffle. I get a call today and it's for the other student worker. She won the iPod shuffle and needed to pick it up. I'm really happy for her, but jeez. No luck here. xD

I finished Wicked. Interesting book. I definitely have to start Son of a Witch here shortly. Though, I'm also supposed to finish Game of Thrones. Hell. I don't know where to start. I tried reading both at once but it just doesn't work. So, I'll probably sit the Wicked Series aside and go for the GOT series.

Other than that, I don't know what to update people on. I'm frustrated because Charles has to move from his roommate's house because she's a royal bitch and brings nothing but drama 24/7, and so he's going to stay with his mom for a little bit until he's up on his feet, which has me both excited and worried. He'd have his own place to live, but then he'd be alone, and he doesn't seem to like that. I'm worried that he won't have enough money to continue to live in the place, though he is looking at low-income efficiency places through LMHA, which seems more confusing and contorted than it needs to be...I don't know.

We'll see.

Maybe surveys and another blog soon.

Love all!

OMG. A month? Really? Jeez.

Okay, so apparently it's been a month since my last posting. I thought I posted something like, two weeks ago, but apparently not. So, here's an update.

I passed all of my classes. Straight B's. Go me!

Work upped my hours to 16/wk. But with my coworker being sick, I'm getting an added 9h.

I officially have a boyfriend now. Been that way since April 25th.

I've started attending church. My boyfriend attends with me. It's nice to have found a place that accepts you with your beliefs without trying to force other beliefs down your throat.

I've made an enemy (or two). xD My boyfriend's roommate and her boyfriend absolutely hate me. Apparently I'm a boyfriend stealer (Yet he's still with her) and because I defended myself, she hates me. Oh well, grow the fuck up or leave me the hell alone, your choice.

Apart from having a few disappointments in my life (which I'm not going to go into here), I've been doing pretty well.

On the 19th of this month, my boyfriend, myself, and another couple went mini-golfing and go-carting at a local course. It was awesome! Never having done either thing before, I had a blast. Hoping to do it again soon.

The Australia exhibit is coming to the zoo soon, and I want to go, but it'll have to be on a Monday morning that I go. Free admission for county residents. Hoping to get a few people to go with so we can chip in for parking together (it's like, $7 I think).

Other than that, life has been pretty normal.

Except now I have a boyfriend. And I want to spend as much time with him as I can. And I want to learn about him. What makes him tick? What he likes, what he doesn't, what inspires him....

Time will tell, I suppose.

Update

O.M.G.

It's almost here!!!

FINALS WEEK!

Okay, no. It's not really that dramatic. It's a series of examinations meant to scare the living shit out of nursing students.

Well...any college students.

So, I passed peds...now I have been in my psych rotation.

Wanna know something scary?

I enjoyed it. xD

I actually had fun going in and meeting the patients and picking one, then learning more about them as I went on to do my physical assessment and the neuro checks. A lot of the patients were in there for abuses of some sort. Some didn't have money for their meds, so they voluntarily admitted themselves so they didn't lose a dose and go into withdrawals (which can sometimes be fatal).

This Thursday is my last clinical day and I am relieved. No more care plans! Woot!

Then, after I'm done with my finals (and pass)...I'll be a senior!

Starting in August (27th, I think), I'll be busier than all of this schooling combined. There's something like 70 community hours I have to do for one class, then a clinical all day 12h a week for another....It's going to be INSANE.

So, we'll see.

This will be my first summer off. The only thing I have to do is go to work. And I get to schedule myself for that. xD I could literally come in for two days out of the week and be finished for the rest. Isn't that nice? I think so.

Anyway...here's the relatively boring and short update.

Oh...and I'm dating someone. ^.^

He's awesome.

I like him.

And I haven't scared him away yet, I don't think he's going anywhere.

A relatively short update

So. Today is the first real day that I've actually had off in a while. Yes, I have some homework to do, but it isn't like the piles of time consuming crap I've had lately.

I'm currently passing all of my classes, which is a miracle. Midterms are here, and I will be finishing up my first 8 week class (Pediatrics) within the next 1-2 weeks (THANK. GOD.). Not that it was super bad, but it was just so time consuming. We were spoiled in my med-surg nursing class with a 3 page care-plan. I get into peds and it's 9 freaking pages long with a whole extra page of crap that I'd never had to write before!

I just had my last peds patient for clinical this past Thursday. Well....two, actually. This past Thursday was the first time I'd ever had two patients, and it was hectic. Because it was Valentine's Day, there were a whole bunch of programs for the kids to do and they even got ice cream sundaes. But it made it hard to monitor what they were taking in and what they were putting out. However, I lived, survived, and my teacher complimented me for having such a calm demeanor when dealing with one patient and having the other calling out for me like no tomorrow.

                              I wonder now what she would have done if I would have admitted how much I was freaking out!

So, apart from this past Thursday being long and frightfully hectic, I think I'm okay.

Still single. No romance for me. Hell, no one (not even my family) wished me a happy Valentine's Day, which was surprising.

Though, I did have one woman who was senile and had late dementia walk up to me, grasp my hand firmly, call me Abby, and then wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. However, I'm not Abby, so....Idk.

Quick Update

School has started, therefore time is short. I just finished a care plan that I'd been working on since around 6:30 ish EST. So...yeah.

Working on notes now. Which...is taking forever. I have so much to do before Wednesday, I might just pass out.

I have class tomorrow from 5-8, but I work 12-4. So...Idk. Long days that go into the dark always seem to exhaust me more. So does clinical, though.

2 more semesters....Spring '14.....2 more semesters...*yawn*

So...that's my quick update. Not much, I know. Hopefully you'll hear more soon.

<3 jess="jess" p="p">

A little rant from inside of my mind.

You never know how much betrayal hurts until you've been betrayed. And the funny thing about it is, you never see it coming. Or, if you do, you play ignorant. "Not this time," You laugh. "This time it's different. It has to be." But in the end it isn't different. In the end it's still your heart shattering into a million tiny pieces. And in the end, you were the one made a fool of. Again. And the betrayers get away with it, laughing and going on their happy way, leaving you in the dust, in the corner of a cold room, standing there alone, left to your heartache and the little voice in the back of your mind, yelling at you that it was your fault, and you did something wrong. Of course, it had to be you. It had to be something YOU did. "I'm not good enough!" you yell to your shadows, to your reflection. "I was never good enough." And then the fight drains out of you and you're left with this huge hole in the center of your emotional being, where all of that love and care once dwelt. And now in that place, betrayal thrives, cold and hard and black. And in the end, you're alone once more. Yet the world keeps spinning and life keeps moving, and time keeps ticking away. Soon betrayal is so normal, that the pain ebbs away. You get used to it being there. And then someone comes along, and hope starts to eat away at betrayal. And if you're unlucky enough, the person--that someone--may earn your love and care...just for the cycle to start again. 

What really sucks is when you don't even hit the boyfriend/girlfriend part. Or when it isn't even about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. 

So.....

iPod Shuffle! Queued.

Ipod Survey: use your ipod and put it on shuffle. Answer the questions with the song title/lyrics when indicated.

If I had a band, it would be called: Let it Roll (Secondhand Serenade)

When I die, my headstone will say: Already Taken (Step Up 3D soundtrack)

At my wedding, in my vows I will say: Lucky, (Jason Mraz)

If I could kill someone, I would kill them with: Moments (One Direction)

When I leave high school, I will be most remembered for: My Friends (Sweeney Todd Soundtrack)

When my boy/girlfriend makes me mad I tell him/her: Bluebird (Sara Bareilles)

When I party I like to: Take It Off (Ke$ha)

When People send me annoying forwards, I scream: Go the Distance (Hercules Soundtrack)

When I go out, people look at me and think to themselves: Here Comes the Sun (The Beatles)

When hanging out with friends, we like to: Mark It Up (Repo! The Genetic Opera)

Now… answer these with the first line of the song:

Just a Little Story about you =]

This morning your alarm went off at 5:00 AM. you say:

“I’m gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!” –I Just Can’t Wait to be King, The Lion King Soundtrack

Then you get up and get in the shower and sing:

“Listen to my heart—love and listen to my heart—just as one beat ends another starts, so you can hear no matter where you are.” –Dark Days, The Hunger Games Soundtrack.

When you can’t find your favorite shirt, you yell:

“Speak with your tongue tied—I know that you’re dying, but I just want to know—where you want to go…” –I Hate This Song, Secondhand Serenade.

After getting dressed you go downstairs get a bowl of cereal. It is stale. You say:

“You can hide it when we’re talking, but the silence kills—we’re pretending, but you’re remembering how it means to feel.” –Been Here Before, Terrible Things.

After eating your stale cereal, you head out to catch the bus:

“See I could spend forever here and never want to stop, ‘cause baby you are making my day!” –Shelter, Hedley.

The bus already left. You curse and scream:

“Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe….” –Across the Universe, Across the Universe Soundtrack.

So now you have to walk to school. The Populars drive by you and say:

“I’ve been wandering down the same road for days—I’ve seen coastlines going both ways…”-Inside Out, Sara Bareilles

You reply angrily:

“Them belly full, but we hungry.” -Them Belly Full (But We Hungry), Bob Marley

They drive off and scream:

“Gimme attention—I need it now—too much dispensed to measure it out!” –Where the Lines Overlap, Paramore.

You try to cross the street, but can’t because of a car wreck. You say:

“Boy, you’re going to carry that weight, carry that weight for a long time!” –Carry That Weight, The Beatles.

So you walk all the way back to the other side of the street to the store:

“There’s a green hill far away in the land I know so well and the sun, it shines so bright in the fields where once we did lay…” –In Fields Where We Lay, B*Witched.

You go in the store and ask the clerk:

“The buttons on my phone are worn thin--I don't think that I knew the chaos I was getting in.” –Why, Secondhand Serenade.

He replies:

“We met on a rainy evening in the summertime—don’t think I need to tell you more.” –Love On The Rocks, Sara Bareilles.

You give him a strange look and say:

“I've seen it all and I know better - I've felt the bitterness and pain.” –Miracles, Stone Sour.

Then you get some chips, but you can’t find your money. You mumble:

“I'd cross the sea to you--I've left myself deserted here again.” –Taciturn, Stone Sour.

The clerk says:

“Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer in the hills in Highlands…” –Hello Seattle, Owl City.

You angrily walk out of the store saying:

“Your Eyes, As we said our goodbyes—can’t get them out of my mind, and I find I can’t hide from your eyes—The ones that took me by surprise!” –Your Eyes, Rent

So… You go to the Starbucks across the street and a lady asks you:

“Take a look around—who would have thought we’d all be here?” –Turn Up the Music, LemonadeMouth

To which you say:

“I say hey boy sitting in the tree, mommy always wants you to come to tea, don’t be shy, straighten up your tie, come down from your treehouse sittin’ in the sky!” C’est la Vie, B*witched.

When your cellphone rings. It’s your friend. She says:

“All my life you know I haven’t been very love strong; There’s been so many fights that I’ve fought and I’ve never won….” Bang, Bang,  Bang-Christina Perri.

You tell her:

“I’ve got my mother’s love, I shouldn’t ask for more; I’ve got so many things I should be thankful for, Yes I’ve got everything, except, I guess, a door, perhaps it’s better that I stay in.” –When Will My Life Begin (Reprise 1), Tangled.

So she gets mad and hangs up the phone. You yell:

“Fallin a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise!” –Perfect, Hedley

People start to think you have problems, so you tell them:

“Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking!” Move Along, The All American Rejects

The man at the counter tells you:

“Hark the herald, angels sing!” –Angelic Proclamation [Medley]- BarlowGirl

So you say:

“I'm so cold and far away from home, you're so tired and so damn alone, It's darker and much harder to be me, so far away from my reality.” –Villian, Hedley

Then you leave the Starbucks. You can cross the street to get to school now.

You get across the street and a rabid dog starts to chase you; you scream:

“Some say I’ll be better without you, but they don’t know you like I do.” –He Won’t Go, Adele

When you get away, you say:

“Run run run away so long lost never comin, Home rollin rollin down a track; No no i’m never comin back.” -What Part of Forever, Cee-Lo Green.

You finally get to school. Teacher wants to know why you’re late:

“I look at you all, see the love there that’s sleeping; while my guitar gently weeps…” –While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Across the Universe Soundtrack.

She doesn’t believe you. So you tell her:

“They came for him one winter’s night. Arrested, he was bound!” Over the Hills and Far Away, Nightwish

She still does not believe you, so she sends you to the principal. He asks:

“Carpe diem, carpe diem!” Carpe Diem, Sarah Brightman

So you reply:

“I hear the angels talkin’, talkin, talkin, I want my dead man walkin’, walkin’, walkin….” –Dead Man Walking, The Script.

He thinks you are getting an attitude so he tells you:

“I’m just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze, and life is a riddle.” –The Show, Lenka.

Then sends you to detention. You mumble:

“Walkin’ alone beneath the lights on that miracle mile…” –Anything But Mine, Kenny Chesney.

Sitting in detention…

You meet a butch girl named Ashley. She asks you:

“We have fallen down again tonight.” –Everybody, Ingrid Michaelson.

You look at her in horror and tell her:

“you caught me on the phone today, said those words you always say, I cried.” –Out of My Mind, Colbie Calliat.

Then move to the other side of the class. She Yells:

“If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song.” –If I Die Young, The Band Perry.

There are people in the back trying to sing. It’s really bad. You tell them:

 “I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord, but you really don’t care for music do you?” –Hallelujah, Rufus Wainright (Shrek)

They get mad and say:

“Summer has come and passed, the innocent can never last, wake me up when September ends.” –Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day.

So you just go to sleep for the rest of the time.

When you wake up, it’s 4:00. You look around and say:

“I’m a new soul, I came to this strange world, hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.” –New Soul, Yael Naim.

You ask the teacher why he didn’t wake you up, and he says:

“Just about the time the shadows call, I undress my mind and dare you to follow.” –One Sweet Love (2003), Sara Bareilles.

So you run all the way home. Mom wants to know where you’ve been:

“She’s all laid up on the bed with a broken heart.” –For the First Time, The Script.

She thinks you’re lying. You try and tell her:

“When I was younger I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind.” –The Only Exception, Paramore.

But she doesn’t wanna hear it. She grounds you and you say:

“One, Two, Three, counting up the signs we see…” –You Picked Me, A Fine Frenzy.

So she yells back:

“Angels said I’d smile today, oh, well, who needs angels anyway?” –Come Round Soon (2003), Sara Bareilles.

You stomp up to your room and trip over the top stair; you yell:

“Here comes the sun.” –Here Comes the Sun, The Beatles.

Then you go in your room and text your lover. He/she texts:

“I’ve got sunshine, on a cloudy day.” –My Girl, Otis Redding.

You get mad and say:

“A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile and I knew that if I had my chance, I could make those people dance and maybe they’d be happy for a while.” –American Pie, Don McLean.

Then he/she says:

“When the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we’ll see; no I won’t be afraid, I won’t be afraid, just as long as you stand by me.” -Stand By Me, Ben E. King

Then you get so mad you throw your phone at the wall, and it breaks.

You sit in your room for the next 4 hours saying:

“Imagine there’s no heaven; it’s easy if you try.” –Imagine, John Lennon.

Your mom thinks you’re going crazy, so she says:

“I asked her to stay, but she wouldn’t listen.” –Won’t Go Home Without You, Maroon 5.

You look at her crazy, then walk away saying:

“Take out of your wasted honor.”-Say, John Mayer.

She throws a frying pan at you and you scream:

“Now and then I think of when we were together, like when you said you felt you were so happy you could die.” –Somebody That I Used To Know, Gotye.

She yells back:

“I’ve been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see.” –Use Somebody, Kings Of Leon.

So you storm up to your room again and say:

“Remember all the things we wanted, now all the memories, they’re haunted.” –Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson.

Then you get in the shower and sing:

“It’s not the pale moon that excites me.” –The Nearness Of You, Norah Jones

Then before you go to bed you pray that:

“Take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in.” –Realize, Colbie Calliat.

Queued Survey.

EDIT: Apparently Blogger hates my guts and doesn't want to do queued posts. xD Jeez. Fixed now!

Did you like kissing the last person you kissed or the one before that more?

It’s been forever since I've kissed anyone.

Whose bed other than yours did you last lay on?
Rachael’s.

When you’re at the beach, do you swim or lay out more?
Swim.

Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
No.

Crushing on anyone new?
Kinda.

Last text from?
Chad.

When was the last time you were so drunk you threw up?
Never.

Kissed someone in a vehicle?
Yes.

Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Yep.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Not sure.

What can you not wait for?
Graduation.

Have/Would you ever use(d) the bathroom in front of someone else?
Have and Would. xD

Any plans for tomorrow?
Reading. Relaxing. My two favorite R’s.

Does anyone like you?
I’m pretty sure.

How do you feel about your current relationship status?
It sucks.

When did you meet the last male you texted?
Oooh….2005.

Would you rather live without music or without the t.v?
TV

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
My Mom.

Think back to the last person you held hands with, have you kissed them?
No.

Where will you be 2 hours from now?
Bed, hopefully.

What turns you off immediately?
Ignorance, Arrogance, Foot-in-mouth syndrome, being conceited, self-absorbed, or otherwise attuned only to their pleasure and their agendas without regard to anyone else around them. Being unwilling to compromise.

Last person you cuddled with?
Cuddle? What is this word you speak of?

Are you currently trying to get over someone?
Nope.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
Yes.

Whose hoodie or jacket did you wear last that wasn’t yours?
My younger sister’s.


 How would you describe your fashion style? What inspires you to dress this way?
My fashion style is purely for comfort and temperature control. Right now it’s freezing, so I’m wearing clothing that will keep me warm. 

Where and when did you go on your last vacation? How was the vacation and would you go back to this place?
Uh…the campground. And yes. The vacation was…tolerable. I would go back definitely.

 Which city do you particularly enjoy visiting? For what reasons? When is the last time you went there?
Chicago. It’s big, and I love walking through Downtown, although parking is really expensive. I love seeing the different shops and sights. I went there this past July.

What is one of the most important lessons you’ve learned through working where you do? (If you don’t work, then through school or in general?)
Watch what you say, and there’s always someone trying to get you into trouble, whether you believe it or not.

What is the last sporting event you watched? Were you enthusiastically supporting either team or are you not even a sports fan?
…I haven’t really watched any sports. xD

What is the last organization/charity you donated to or volunteered for? 
Volunteered for the Safety Council of Northwest Ohio as Activity Coordinator Assistant in 2011.

Is there a special or uncommon spelling to your name? For example, Ashleigh instead of Ashley: 
Jesica, Jessika, Jesika, Jessikah….So many…

Have you ever experienced a particularly bad birthday? What made it so bad? 
Yes. My 4^th. I was at Chuck-E-Cheese and my mother and aunt through marriage got into a fight in the parking lot.

Who is the last person you went out to eat with and where did you go?
My mother and sisters, Dennys.

 What is the most amount of money you’ve ever found on the ground? 
$20.

 What are your favorite things to drink and when are you most likely to drink these things? 
Coffee- Mornings 
Tea-Anytime.

Soda-Every day. All day sometimes.

 Where were you the last time you kissed someone? 
I don’t remember.


Where do you usually do your homework or any type of work you have to do?
Bedroom.

What could you change about your life right now that would make things better for you? 
My financial situation (better paying job), My car situation, and my relationship status.

How many times have you moved in your life? Did you move far?
4. No.

What type of shoes are you most likely to wear?
Dr. Scholl’s. 

 When is the last time you had your favorite flavor of ice cream?
A month ago.

 Are you worried that you won’t be accepted into the college you want?
I’m in college at the moment. I’m scared that I’m not going to pass though.

. What is your ideal weather?
Spring. Not too hot and not too cold. Sunny. 

 What is the last movie you saw at the theaters? What rating, out of 10, would you give it?
Les Miserables! 10/10.

When is the last time you went to a picnic?
Uh…July. XD

Do you often take pictures with the camera on your phone?
No.

 Who in your extended family are you closest to?
No one anymore.

 How many and what kind of pets do you own?
3 dogs, Brownie, Oreo, and Princess…8 cats. 2 kittens, Puss in Boots and Squirt, their parents, Tigger and Fur-face, Autumn, Samantha-J, Bright Eyes, and Cuddles (who is coming via the nickname coconut for some reason…). 

Does anyone give you butterflies (nervous/happy)?
Yes.